Ellen DeGeneres

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."

Ellen DeGeneres

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."

W. C. Fields

"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare."

Fred Allen

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

Dave Barry

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them."

Casey Stengel

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist."

Mark Twain

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

Albert Einstein

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

George Carlin

"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"

George Carlin

"What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?"

Fred Allen

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity."

Albert Einstein

"You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog."

Harry S. Truman

"You're only has good as your last haircut."

Fran Lebowitz