Emo Philips

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

Bob Hope

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

Bill Cosby

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

Jay Leno

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."

Oprah Winfrey

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."

Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

Lily Tomlin

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."

W. C. Fields

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

Steven Wright

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."

Steven Wright

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."

Paula Poundstone

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."

Samuel Goldwyn

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

Woody Allen

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

Steven Wright

"I rant, therefore I am."

Dennis Miller

"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."

Groucho Marx

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday."

George Burns

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Groucho Marx

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."

Joan Rivers

"If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?"

Lily Tomlin

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"

Lily Tomlin

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

Rita Rudner

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."

Dave Barry

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Woody Allen

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."

Spike Milligan